Here is my make believe...and not so make believe.

I am caught in the endless circle of
WANT
DESIRE
and then
hopelessness
that makes me feel so very
small
tiny
insignificant
I desire most to be desired.
Yearning to be somebody's number one.
Why am I not important?
Why am I forgotten?
Why do I feel like no one cares?
And when I'm finally drained of all the tears I can possibly cry
And when no more pain is physically possible
There comes an apathy and disdain for the world.
Why should I go to the world
Why can't the world come to me?!
My needs fall on deaf ears.
I am unfulfilled.
but secretly I think I want to stay like this
secretly my mind wants me sad
and secretly I beg for attention where it's not given
Here's the smile.
Here's the laughing and enjoyment everyone wishes to see on my face.
"Why are you so sad looking?"
"Smile, you're too pretty to frown."
"Why are you so quiet?"
Because it's me.
Just me.
Only me.
How do I be who you want me to be
and yet continue to be happy
or unhappily happy?
There's just no winning.
And all I feel I can do is give up.
Go down.
Into the deepest sorrow I have.
At least it will hold me tightly in it's claws.