It's Been A Long While

I suppose my lack of enthusiasm for writing lately is due in part to my work load.
Or, maybe because of my known existence on this website.
I'm not sure which.
But that doesn't matter.
It shouldn't curb my love for writing.

Sorry if I'm a bit choppy minded right now, by the way.
It's late.

So, I started a new job. I'm finally going to be making a steady income.
I don't really like working, mostly because I'm lazy by nature.
But, if I'm to succeed in this world, it seems I need money.
I want to pay everyone back for all they've done for me.
I feel like a moocher....which isn't cool.

I vowed I would never work fast food...I broke that vow.

Oh well.

Tired.
Nighty night.

A (short) Song?

You come
And then you go.
The tears
Stain my pillow.

Hello?
Do you listen?
Hello?
Where'd you go?

I'm waiting.
My clock is ticking.
I'm dying.
My heart is skipping.

Hello?
I'm so alone.
Hello?
How I hate to be alone.

Time escapes
And slowly life goes
On and on
To where no one knows.

I try to stay
In hopes of this love,
But I cannot remain,
You're so high above.

Hello?
Are you still there?
Hello? Hello?
Goodbye.

Turning of Age

18 is a big number.
Not monstrous,
But large enough.
Large enough to make me wonder,
"Where am I going?"
This road I am on,
It's...really long...and kinda scary.
Not that I want it to be short
Or easy,
But...I wish there were more road signs
To tell me where I'm going
To tell me where I am.
The scenery is nice
The flowers, though slowly,
Are blooming on the roadside.
But, where's the next pit stop?
Where's the next bump?
Where's the next godawful detour?
I'm waiting for that moment
The moment
For a slip up
An ice storm
A car crash.
It's coming and I can feel it.

Continuation

My life story.
The one you've all been dying for.
What an audience.

There has been a hole for the longest time.
A hole that I have pushed to the back of my mind.
I've tried to fill it and I've succeeded a few times,
But somehow, someone always digs a new one.
Maybe I should put a "no trespassing" sign up.
As if that would help...
The thing is, I let people in.
Therefore that sign would do no good.
I learn to depend on a person,
Then they let me fall.
Yet, I still keep reaching.
I look up to the person for my needs
And in response I get a cold shoulder.
That is my greatest weakness:
The ones I become attached to let me drown.
Why I choose these people, I don't not know.
I suppose it's because they use to give me strength.
Now, mind you, this is not all the people I've known.
There have been...oh...about one or two that have kept me.
I have two keeping me now.
"How long?" is the question that concerns them.
But, like always, I trust them
And have put all my confidence in them.
"Don't fail me now!" I scream.
Lets hope they listen.

School....
School is not a problem.
At times I get bogged down
But I always seem to pull my head up before I lose all air.
I love to learn.
I am proud of my education and appreciate it.
I know that I could have ended up not having one at all.
I hope to learn all that I possibly can
But yet still enjoy a social life.
I'm working on that balance.
One thing that I love about myself is my intelligence.
I hate to say that because I feel it's ostentatious
And I...want to be humble....
Even saying that is weird.
I think I would be extra unhappy if I was only mediocre in school.
Who knows.

Cello.
Music is a big part of my life.
I love to listen to it
And I love to play it.
The only problems I've had with it are the conductors
And not having enough time to practice.
Sometimes I even lack motivation to practice.
But I think that happens to a lot of musicians.
It feels good to play
To be part of a group that sounds...good.
I haven't had that experience much.
But at least I've had the experience
And at least I'm able to play at all,
So...I'm not going to complain there.
Piano is great, too.
I'm not good at it, though.
I still love it.

Ugh...hands hurt...more again later...hopefully.

Consideration

The day passes by and I,
I can't stop
Stop....stop feeling.
I try and try and
Try.
And cry.
Bitterness drips.
I need help.
You need....help.
Mine.
I am robbed
From moment
To utter moment
Of life.
Why?
Because of your hold
The steadfast
Hardy, death-like
Grip.
And I begin
Begin as I do
To wonder
And lose
And gain
My hopes and
Dreams.

Oh, you.

Waiting for your silent breath to touch my ear.
The tickling of your sweet whisper, bending the hairs in a huge gust within,
Pleasures me.
Your lips slide, brushing my earlobe
Then my neck.
Shivers overcome the flesh with cold as your warm tenderness
Forces itself upon the surface
Swimming through my blood
Beating within my long-cold heart.
Arms around my waist
Your fingernails dig into my pale hide
Burrowing with the urgency of a caterpillar working its way out of a cocoon.
I bleed in ecstasy
Moaning in bitter-sweet pain
And you latch onto me with your pearly whites
Biting like a wild thing that knows no civilization.
I yearn for the pain it causes
The euphoric sensation eating away at the edge of humanity
My innards turning to butterflies at the sight
Of your immortal face.
Arching my back towards your chest
Screaming with the violence of a million souls drowning in hell
The release of the world commences.

This is the Present

You say that I will move on.
You say that it won't matter in the future.
Well, right now I'm living in the present.
Things are not right now.
Yeah, maybe I'll forget about it in the future
But I'm feeling it and remembering it right now.
I hate things.
I really do.
And you never know.
You never ever seem to know.
Why do you not question?
Can you not see things the way they are?
You put on your rose colored glasses
And your fancy blinders
And you inhibit your sight and view.
Nobody listens.
No one....