I Feel This Again

What do you do with the brokenness that resides in your deepest corners. How do you stop the jagged edges of the mirror which reflected your innocence from ripping your innards. You try not to move. You try to keep very still so that maybe, just maybe, everything will settle. All the pieces will fall back into place and you'll regain what has been lost. You believe that if you do this, the hurt from all the cuts will slowly subside, scab over, and finally become forgotten. However, this is impossible. When you focus so hard on not moving, it makes you itch for the world. It makes your heart restless with wonder for the what ifs. You think to yourself, "I've sat still for long enough. My insides must be whole again. I've served my time and now I can experience all the beauty I've been missing." Then you take a leap. Or rather, a breath. You inhale with all your might, filling your lungs to the brim with the world that has passed you by in your stillness. And slowly, carefully, you let it out again. You get to the end of your exhale and every bit of the newness you just took in has escaped once more. That very second, that very moment when everything is once again mundane, the pain comes back like never before. You feel it first in your lungs, shredding their inner lining and tearing them open so that the blood flows throughout you. It bathes your stomach in it's liquid red fury, makes it crumple in upon itself with the weight of all your regrets, and shrivels it with the poison of hatred. And finally, your heart begins to weaken, slowing down its beat because there is no passion to keep it going. Everything has come back. Every hurt. Every longing. Every negative word. Every abusive intention targeted towards you. Every jealousy that makes your thoughts scream with anger. All of a sudden you begin to fall and spiral down towards that darkness that you promised yourself you would never ever reach for again. The weakness of your soul consumes you and your eyes close towards everything around you no matter what amazing sights you may behold. And the only thing you feel you can possibly do is resort back to that stillness to start the healing again. You convince yourself that it will work this time, all you have to do is try harder. So you go back to your corner, though your conscience is screaming for you to go fucking be what you really are, and you become that still being lingering in the shadows again. The one that no one notices. The one that bothers no one. The one that isn't really alive.

I can't.

I feel like I'll never amount to your family. I'll never be as important as them. It's selfish. I know it's fucking selfish. But fuck, I want your attention. We only have so much time in this world together. I don't have the luxury of knowing that you'll always be there like your family does. I'm always worried that you're going to leave me. Just disappear one day. I have my fucking ex to blame for that. I can't stand feeling second best. And that's how I feel right now. I feel as if I'm not important. I feel like you would choose family, games, or friends over me any day. Fuck. I just want to be number one in someone's life. You're number one in mine. I make sacrifices of hanging out with others for your sake. So that I'm there for you whenever you want me to be. But you just leave randomly. To go play games or doing something like watch your brother play games. Why do games seem to be so much more important than me? I just want to come back so that I'm actually in your life. Because I don't feel like I am right now. I just feel like I'm there because you have to have something that really loves you in your life. I say that out of anger and hurt and I don't really mean it. But fuck, I just fucking hurt so bad right now. It's a time when, back in the day, I would cut. Stupid, I know. But my emotions just are so huge. I can't control them. They take over and I can't get out of their grip. I just want to call you back and make you stay. But I know that would just hurt us as a couple. I hate this. I hate loving so much. All I do is get hurt. All I feel is hurt. Because I want you all. I'm so fucking possessive and jealous. I fucking hate myself for it. I just want to go away because I'm really no good for you. This is just going to continue and I'm either going to make you unhappy or make myself unhappy. I feel like I can never be happy with a guy because I'll always want more. This sucks because you're so very amazing and I'm never going to let you go. I'm confusing myself now. I shouldn't feel all of this. I should just be very happy because I'm with you.

I feel Stupid

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I just want to hit myself and just take myself away from the people I love because I know that all I do is bother them, hurt them, and make them hate me. This life is stupid. Everything is stupid. Because of me. Fuck. I just want to vanish in my sleep. I just want to melt away from this world because I can't stand it. I can't stand the constant loneliness I feel. The constant sadness over every stupid little fucking thing. I pour my heart out and only so much comes back. I empty more than I am filled and it leaves this hole that I can't repair. I don't love myself and I don't know how I ever could. I don't deserve anyone else's love because of this. They say you can't love others if you can't love yourself...and I don't understand this. I don't love myself but there are others that I love with the greatest passion. Whatever. I'm just sick of the way I am. I want to change, but I don't know how.