I can't.

I feel like I'll never amount to your family. I'll never be as important as them. It's selfish. I know it's fucking selfish. But fuck, I want your attention. We only have so much time in this world together. I don't have the luxury of knowing that you'll always be there like your family does. I'm always worried that you're going to leave me. Just disappear one day. I have my fucking ex to blame for that. I can't stand feeling second best. And that's how I feel right now. I feel as if I'm not important. I feel like you would choose family, games, or friends over me any day. Fuck. I just want to be number one in someone's life. You're number one in mine. I make sacrifices of hanging out with others for your sake. So that I'm there for you whenever you want me to be. But you just leave randomly. To go play games or doing something like watch your brother play games. Why do games seem to be so much more important than me? I just want to come back so that I'm actually in your life. Because I don't feel like I am right now. I just feel like I'm there because you have to have something that really loves you in your life. I say that out of anger and hurt and I don't really mean it. But fuck, I just fucking hurt so bad right now. It's a time when, back in the day, I would cut. Stupid, I know. But my emotions just are so huge. I can't control them. They take over and I can't get out of their grip. I just want to call you back and make you stay. But I know that would just hurt us as a couple. I hate this. I hate loving so much. All I do is get hurt. All I feel is hurt. Because I want you all. I'm so fucking possessive and jealous. I fucking hate myself for it. I just want to go away because I'm really no good for you. This is just going to continue and I'm either going to make you unhappy or make myself unhappy. I feel like I can never be happy with a guy because I'll always want more. This sucks because you're so very amazing and I'm never going to let you go. I'm confusing myself now. I shouldn't feel all of this. I should just be very happy because I'm with you.