So I am Sick.

So today I am sick
And as a result, I am at home
And as a result of that I have a bit of free time
Which is going to be spent writing here
Since I never get on anymore.

I've realized something lately:
Sometimes you just have to let things happen.
Why worry about something that is unavoidable?
Why stress over something that's already been done?
You can't change it.
That's why it's called the past.
It's over.
Done.
Through.
So get on with it.
That's what I sometimes have to tell myself.
The only problem is that I still have to worry about the future.
If I accidentally missed work yesterday,
How am I going to pay tomorrow's bills?
So now I have to revise my realization.
I have to figure out what is worth forgetting
And what I have to agonize over.

I sometimes wish, for this very reason,
That I could be a cat...my cat.
Or a speck of dust in the air.
Or a sun beam,
The very one shining on me now.
There would be no worries about the future.
Sure, you would also lose such things as goals,
Ambitions,
Hopes,
Dreams,
But at least you wouldn't have to worry.
I sometimes think it would be worth it
To become something that is not as intelligent as humans.
But I am what I am.
I can't change it.

So now I wait for the next stage
And my entrance into the real world.
I hope the stress doesn't burn me out
Because I already smell melting rubber.

Telepathy

So today I have started my research on telepathy: the art of thought transference.
Here I will keep my log since no other place (besides my journal) is sacred to me.

The study of what I am learning is called parapsychology.

Apparently there are many tests used by parapsychologists to test the abilities of telepathy, including the Ganzfeld experiment. This experiment is conducted by putting an individual in a controlled environment, devoid of their primary senses. Another individual, outside the room of testing, sends images, thoughts, colors, feelings, etc. to the individual in the room. If that individual is able to receive these feelings, thoughts, etc. then the experiment is considered successful and the isolated individual is aptly known to have the ability of telepathy.

Almost all living individuals, all sentient beings, have the ability of telepathic communication with one another, though most have not awakened their deadened extra-sensory receptors. The ability to communicate with others on this plane is referred to as having a "sixth sense" or a "third eye". This ability can be learned and taught just as linguistics and body language. Most, however, are never exposed to this type of communication because it is not necessary in society today. It is believed by some that early humans, before the development of language or the written word, reached each other in this way.

There are many techniques used to reach a state in which you can communicate with others through telepathy. One such technique is a type of meditation in which you free your mind of everything but the subject which you want to communicate. By focusing on one object or thought, you train your mind to be clear of anything that can scramble the message you are trying to send. This type of training is usually done before two individuals try to communicate with one another. After this first technique is able to be successfully accomplished, partner communication can be built upon. The two people come together in a location and spend about half an hour trying to send and recieve communications. The thoughts are then shared and compared to evaluate success. With practice, the thoughts between the two should become more and more similar.

It has been hypothesized by some that only two individuals who share a connection between spirits can communicate in the aforementioned ways. I, however, hope to be able to communicate with anyone I wish to. I believe some knowledge of the person is required to develop a connection between minds but I also believe that this knowledge can be gained by other methods than physical conversation such as observation or concentration on the previously mentioned individual.

The reason I have recently become interested in the art of telepathy and the study of parapsychology is due to a friend who apparently shared the same thought as me at the same time. Today, June 1st, 2009, I started my mind exercises by focusing on that person calling my cell phone. I first let all other thoughts dissapate and then I pictured him sitting at his computer, picking up the phone, and calling me. After thinking this for a few seconds, my cell phone rang. Though is was not the person I was picturing, I still believe I had some success. The person who called was my boyfriend. I believe this occurred because I spend so much time with him that we are more closely connected than me and the other person. Therefore, I accidently contacted the wrong person.

I will continue these exercises and hope for the best.
-end of June 1st, 2009, post-

These past few days I have experimented with telepathy in the shower (since that is really the only quiet time I get). I have found, however, that nothing has occurred/resulted from these attempts. I believe this might be because I listen to the sound of the water falling around me a little too much. Therefore my messages might be a little "staticy" and unclear. I will have to try some more during camp if I am able. When I get back I plan to go into the forest and trying it again.
-end of June 6th, 2009, post-

It's Been A Long While

I suppose my lack of enthusiasm for writing lately is due in part to my work load.
Or, maybe because of my known existence on this website.
I'm not sure which.
But that doesn't matter.
It shouldn't curb my love for writing.

Sorry if I'm a bit choppy minded right now, by the way.
It's late.

So, I started a new job. I'm finally going to be making a steady income.
I don't really like working, mostly because I'm lazy by nature.
But, if I'm to succeed in this world, it seems I need money.
I want to pay everyone back for all they've done for me.
I feel like a moocher....which isn't cool.

I vowed I would never work fast food...I broke that vow.

Oh well.

Tired.
Nighty night.

A (short) Song?

You come
And then you go.
The tears
Stain my pillow.

Hello?
Do you listen?
Hello?
Where'd you go?

I'm waiting.
My clock is ticking.
I'm dying.
My heart is skipping.

Hello?
I'm so alone.
Hello?
How I hate to be alone.

Time escapes
And slowly life goes
On and on
To where no one knows.

I try to stay
In hopes of this love,
But I cannot remain,
You're so high above.

Hello?
Are you still there?
Hello? Hello?
Goodbye.

Turning of Age

18 is a big number.
Not monstrous,
But large enough.
Large enough to make me wonder,
"Where am I going?"
This road I am on,
It's...really long...and kinda scary.
Not that I want it to be short
Or easy,
But...I wish there were more road signs
To tell me where I'm going
To tell me where I am.
The scenery is nice
The flowers, though slowly,
Are blooming on the roadside.
But, where's the next pit stop?
Where's the next bump?
Where's the next godawful detour?
I'm waiting for that moment
The moment
For a slip up
An ice storm
A car crash.
It's coming and I can feel it.

Continuation

My life story.
The one you've all been dying for.
What an audience.

There has been a hole for the longest time.
A hole that I have pushed to the back of my mind.
I've tried to fill it and I've succeeded a few times,
But somehow, someone always digs a new one.
Maybe I should put a "no trespassing" sign up.
As if that would help...
The thing is, I let people in.
Therefore that sign would do no good.
I learn to depend on a person,
Then they let me fall.
Yet, I still keep reaching.
I look up to the person for my needs
And in response I get a cold shoulder.
That is my greatest weakness:
The ones I become attached to let me drown.
Why I choose these people, I don't not know.
I suppose it's because they use to give me strength.
Now, mind you, this is not all the people I've known.
There have been...oh...about one or two that have kept me.
I have two keeping me now.
"How long?" is the question that concerns them.
But, like always, I trust them
And have put all my confidence in them.
"Don't fail me now!" I scream.
Lets hope they listen.

School....
School is not a problem.
At times I get bogged down
But I always seem to pull my head up before I lose all air.
I love to learn.
I am proud of my education and appreciate it.
I know that I could have ended up not having one at all.
I hope to learn all that I possibly can
But yet still enjoy a social life.
I'm working on that balance.
One thing that I love about myself is my intelligence.
I hate to say that because I feel it's ostentatious
And I...want to be humble....
Even saying that is weird.
I think I would be extra unhappy if I was only mediocre in school.
Who knows.

Cello.
Music is a big part of my life.
I love to listen to it
And I love to play it.
The only problems I've had with it are the conductors
And not having enough time to practice.
Sometimes I even lack motivation to practice.
But I think that happens to a lot of musicians.
It feels good to play
To be part of a group that sounds...good.
I haven't had that experience much.
But at least I've had the experience
And at least I'm able to play at all,
So...I'm not going to complain there.
Piano is great, too.
I'm not good at it, though.
I still love it.

Ugh...hands hurt...more again later...hopefully.

Consideration

The day passes by and I,
I can't stop
Stop....stop feeling.
I try and try and
Try.
And cry.
Bitterness drips.
I need help.
You need....help.
Mine.
I am robbed
From moment
To utter moment
Of life.
Why?
Because of your hold
The steadfast
Hardy, death-like
Grip.
And I begin
Begin as I do
To wonder
And lose
And gain
My hopes and
Dreams.