I'm in this Pit (alone)

When I feel like this, I feel everything else fade away. I feel reality slip past me and I slide into a nothingness that is all-consuming. I can't look around me. There's nothing there. I can't see the good past, I can't enjoy the happy future. I'm down, down, down. I'm down in the darkness and lost. Lost in a sea of self-pity and self-loathing. The two don't mix well. I can't stand this. I can't stand how it makes me feel and I hate to see the effect it has on others. I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm screwed up, messed up, good-for-nothing, trash, scum, the lowest of the low. At least that's what my mind tells me. Every day it repeats to me the same dialogue. There is no hope for the future. There was no happiness in the past. You aren't happy now and you'll never be happy ever again. And then it encourages me to change what I'm going through...but not in a healthy way. It tells me that the only way I can get past this numb sadness is to physically hurt myself. If I hurt on the outside, the inside pain will vanish..or at the very least be reduced. I try not to listen. Very hard I try to block out the harm it's trying to cause me. But sometimes it seems to get out of control. The endless waves of pain are pure agony and there's no one I can talk to about it. No one. The world is cruel and mocking. Out to get you. You must protect yourself or you'll be hurt. Don't trust. Never trust. It'll be your demise if you do. But I want so badly to be able to talk about it. It hurts even more to keep it inside. The pain sears my stomach lining and when it's especially bad, I feel like my guts are bound to spill out from the hole the pain has bore. There's nothing to do but hold it in, though. Pretend everything is alright. Nobody likes a crier. Nobody likes a loser who wants to end their life. And so it's best just to paint on a smile and show everyone what they want to see rather than what would make them uncomfortable.