Neverending

why can i not live for myself
i strive to impress
not myself
but you
and that's stupid
it's fucking bullshit.

how can i feel so happy and complete at times
and then
have everything fall apart at my feet
to where i can't think
breathe
sleep
live.

when will i feel that i am myself
and no one else
no longer a conglomeration
but rather
a single pure entity
free of the filth fed to me.

where do i go to obtain freedom
from myself
from the world
from you
the only thing that can save me
and kill me too.

there must be something more.
there must be someone more.
there must be more.