What I Would Say to You (if i had the courage...)

I may not be able to completely understand your pain. I've never been close to someone who has died. I've never been in the room as a person dies. So I don't claim to understand. However, I do understand that you're hurting. I understand that you want to be left alone. I understand that you're seeking peace. I know this. But with my personality, all I want to do for you is be there. I want to know how you're feeling. I want to know you're okay. I want to feel like you're using me like I believe you should in this situation. But I get none of those desires filled. This sounds very selfish to me, but at the same time it's a normal reaction. Loved ones are supposed to be there for one another for support and, since you don't ask for mine, I feel useless. I also feel abandoned. I feel like you don't really care how I feel about this. I don't understand why you still want a relationship if you don't want to see me or talk to me. That's not being in a relationship. I'm pretending that I don't have a boyfriend right now so that I don't have to feel the pain of not having your companionship. When people ask me about you, I tell them I don't want to talk about it. I've taken the path of apathy and disillusionment so I won't hurt so much. This is so hard for me. I'm trying to give you want you need, but when should I start thinking about myself? I'm not happy. It's hard to be happy in this situation you've put me in. You say you still wish to be with me and yet you have nothing to do with me. I think that's a little bit selfish of you. I don't think you understand the stress you have and are putting me through. I've been tempted to break up with you over this because I feel so hurt. I haven't because I love you. I love you so much and that is the only reason why I try to be there for you. That's the only reason I let myself suffer through everything you've put me through. I feel that you don't have the same commitment and that you feel nowhere near as strongly about me as I do about you. I hope I'm wrong. I cling on to that hope with all I have. I remember all the times you've shown me so much love and I grasp onto those memories for dear life. It hurts to remember them because I wish it was like that all the time. I know that is a great demand, but a little goes a long way. An "I love you" now and again lets me know you're thinking of me and that you still care about me. You confuse me sometimes. If you don't want to talk to me then why do you say that you'll call? Just tell me the truth. Tell me you still want to be alone. The only reason I called you so much this past Wednesday and Thursday was because you told me you would call and when you didn't, I worried and got really upset. It hurts me a lot when you tell me you'll do something and then don't fulfill your promise. It hurts me when you make up excuses for why you didn't call or text me if you promised to call me after work. Just saying "Hey, I've had a long day and just want to sleep right now. I won't be calling tonight but I love you." would suffice. But what's the point in saying all this to you? You don't listen to me very often. You don't seem to care how I feel sometimes. So there's no point. And now I'm just in wait for the day that you'll either come around or realize that you don't really love who I am. I cling. I love. I worry. I wonder. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm lonely. That's me and will always be a part of me no matter how much I improve myself. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Leave me or take me, it's up to you. Just know that I love you and that I always will.