I feel Stupid

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I just want to hit myself and just take myself away from the people I love because I know that all I do is bother them, hurt them, and make them hate me. This life is stupid. Everything is stupid. Because of me. Fuck. I just want to vanish in my sleep. I just want to melt away from this world because I can't stand it. I can't stand the constant loneliness I feel. The constant sadness over every stupid little fucking thing. I pour my heart out and only so much comes back. I empty more than I am filled and it leaves this hole that I can't repair. I don't love myself and I don't know how I ever could. I don't deserve anyone else's love because of this. They say you can't love others if you can't love yourself...and I don't understand this. I don't love myself but there are others that I love with the greatest passion. Whatever. I'm just sick of the way I am. I want to change, but I don't know how.

First Full Day in Japan (Osaka)

I feel so lonely...and so different. I can't speak to anyone. I can't read the signs. Sometimes I don't even know how to work the toilet. I miss everything about America right now. I miss my friends, my boyfriend, my family, and everything else that I know and love. It's so hard being here and not knowing anything. It would be great if I had someone with me, being there for me and such. But such is not the case. I go from feeling great about being here, excited to see new things and learn Japanese, to feeling really upset, scared, and lonely. There are times when I cry and cry and then there are times when I feel great. I hate the ups and downs. I really hope this gets better because I don't think I could go ten months feeling the way I do right now.

Poetry Out Loud

Hate Poem

Julie Sheehan

I hate you truly. Truly I do.
Everything about me hates everything about you.
The flick of my wrist hates you.
The way I hold my pencil hates you.
The sound made by my tiniest bones were they trapped
     in the jaws of a moray eel hates you.
Each corpuscle singing in its capillary hates you.

Look out! Fore! I hate you.

The blue-green jewel of sock lint I’m digging
     from under my third toenail, left foot, hates you.
The history of this keychain hates you.
My sigh in the background as you explain relational databases
     hates you.
The goldfish of my genius hates you.
My aorta hates you. Also my ancestors.

A closed window is both a closed window and an obvious
     symbol of how I hate you.

My voice curt as a hairshirt: hate.
My hesitation when you invite me for a drive: hate.
My pleasant “good morning”: hate.
You know how when I’m sleepy I nuzzle my head
     under your arm? Hate.
The whites of my target-eyes articulate hate. My wit
     practices it.
My breasts relaxing in their holster from morning
     to night hate you.
Layers of hate, a parfait.
Hours after our latest row, brandishing the sharp glee of hate,
I dissect you cell by cell, so that I might hate each one
     individually and at leisure.
My lungs, duplicitous twins, expand with the utter validity
     of my hate, which can never have enough of you,
Breathlessly, like two idealists in a broken submarine.

~still and always~

I still feel it
the belonging
it resides deeply
darkly
into the innermost.
It calls
for you
and only you,
yearning to escape
and catch you.
Every time a thought of you arises
it grasps onto it
craving the sweet sight of your face
the tenderness that used to be
and that it desires
to still be.
There is not stopping
this bending
aching
folding
desire that it is to be yours.
And so I am yours.
Still
and always.

Come Back

How can I still belong to you
when my beating heart breaks at the thought of you
when all I want to do is call out
call for you back
and get you back
Come back to my arms
Be mine
I'm yours and don't think I could be anyone else's.
Please
Beg for me
Want me
Desire me.
I can't do this.
I can't be just your friend.
Because I want more
so much more
Let me hold you
Let me melt into you
and never
ever
resurface.
I don't want to live this life without you at my side.
I want to be yours
forever
and ever
till the day comes when I can no longer understand what the concept of yours is
and till you can no longer hold me in your arms
I want this journey to be ours
not just mine.

This is What I Wish and Dream

You still whisper in my ear.
Everything reminds me of you.
That guy and girl walking down the street
Coming from the liquor store
Laughing and holding hands
Why is that still not us?
Memories fade in and out of reality
Dreams mix my desires with my fears
And you're there.
Always there.
Because I still love you.
I didn't want this to happen.
I didn't want to break up with you.
We had something.
I felt the world in you.
And I gave you up...
But maybe you had given me up long before.
Not wanting to talk to me
Yet still wanting a relationship...
That doesn't make sense.
Not depending on me,
Not needing me,
Not touching me.
I need those things.
I wish you were the one to provide them.
I wish I could snap my fingers
Make you appear again
And this time, this time it would work.
And I want you to chase me.
I want you to hunt me down
Tell me how much you still love me
And tell me you'll change.
And then you actually change.
After all,
You are one of the greatest people I know
I love you so very much
And I put up with so much
Just to make us work.
I have the hope that you'll come back for me.
I have the dream that you'll sweep me off my feet.
I have the desire that you'll never forget me.
I have the wish that you'll still love me.
Please come back.
I want you back.
so
very
badly

Neverending

why can i not live for myself
i strive to impress
not myself
but you
and that's stupid
it's fucking bullshit.

how can i feel so happy and complete at times
and then
have everything fall apart at my feet
to where i can't think
breathe
sleep
live.

when will i feel that i am myself
and no one else
no longer a conglomeration
but rather
a single pure entity
free of the filth fed to me.

where do i go to obtain freedom
from myself
from the world
from you
the only thing that can save me
and kill me too.

there must be something more.
there must be someone more.
there must be more.