Good For Nothing

I just want to help.
That's all I ever want to do.
I want you to need me
But I feel that you don't.
You don't use me like you should
You don't seem to depend on me
And I want to be depended on.
I want to be of some help.
But it seems I never can.
I'm always the one that's helpless.
I hate that.
I want to be there for you.
I want to and need to and yearn to.
I feel so weak and stupid and useless.
I'm never of any help to you.
And I'm always asking of your help.
And this is how I'm always the loser.
I'm so sick of being the loser.

i can't take this

I can't take this!
This worry and anxiety over you.
Why do you do this to me...
Why.
I feel so upset, so sad.
I feel so worried, so concerned.
I want to know that you're okay
But I don't want to annoy you.
My peace of mind has vanished at this moment.
And all I can do is worry.
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I can't enjoy anything.
Because I love you and I don't want you to be hurt.
I hate it when you don't answer your phone.
I hate it when you don't do the things you say you will do.
It hurts me.
I feel so very
just
i want it to stop
i know you're probably okay
but you said you'd text me
and you haven't
it's been over an hour
and you haven't
what does that leave me with
nothing.

I yearn for you

For some reason, I'm jealous.
I want you, all of you.
And I don't feel like I have it.
But I realize that I have a lot of who you are.
You say I know more than most...than all?
For some reason, however, I'm still jealous.
I feel like something is being kept from me.
And I want to know what it is.
I want to know everything.
I try to tell you everything.
And I know you would tell me things if I asked,
But I don't know what to ask.
I wish I did.
I wish I knew everything.
*sigh*
I love you with all my heart.
And I seek you with all my heart.
Show me everything.
Please.
I want to see it all.
I want to see your hurt.
I want to see you.
All of you.
The good, the bad, the mundane.
Everything.
I will cherish it all.
I promise not to break you with it.
I promise I will always be there for you.
So let me in with everything you got
and more.

Help Me

When I feel sad, I feel really sad. I feel abnormally sad. So sad that I don't know what to do with myself. I crave attention and help. I want someone to notice and be there for me. But I don't wanna ask for help. I don't wanna beg for someone to be there with me in my sadness...because I don't want to put that person through my own misery. I don't want to make someone else suffer. Yet I want people to know how much I actually hurt. I want to wear my heart on my arm without the fear of being hurt. But it's not possible. I'm bound to be hurt over and over again. Because that's how people are. They're out to get you. If not now, then later...when you're least expecting it. The worst time. I'm so afraid of it. So afraid of being hurt again, cut again, torn to pieces again. I think I need help. I think I need medication. I think I need hospitalization at times. But I don't want any of that drama. I don't want to be a problem, a burden. I want that help. But I don't want to be the one the family talks about. I don't want to be a burden to my boyfriend, my friends, my family. I hate to show them that I'm weak...especially since they seem so very strong. They seem not to need me. But I need them so badly. I wish I could tell everyone that. Show everyone that. I feel like I want more than I'm wanted. I crave attention more than I should. And it hurts me. It hurts me to love more than I'm loved....or at least that's how I feel. It may not be true...I'm sure people love me...it's just that sometimes I don't feel it. Sometimes I don't feel anything...and sometimes I feel too much. Oh, please help me somebody. I need it.

Love

But I am happy in you.
When I feel you're there,
I feel peace.
But...
I often feel you're not...
Because
I'm paranoid.
So utterly afraid.
Of you letting go again.
Leaving me to float aimlessly in this vast sea.
Show me.
Show me the world.
Show me you.
I want to know.
And I want you to know
I love you.

Distraction=life, Life=distraction

And the irrational fears never cease to cease.
My mind, it is a nightmare.
I try my hardest to avoid it.
Distraction after endless distraction.
Life is made to be one big distraction.
When I get un-distracted by this distraction
I live in fear.
Reality hits.
And it hurts.
Everything I block out every day hurtles into me
at a million trillion miles per hour
without a warning sign
and i plummet into nothingness
It is the nothingness I fear the most.
The meaninglessness of it all.
So I distract myself again
In hopes that if I don't think
I don't have to face it
the truth
the lies
reality.