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A Push and A Pull

When I'm around you
It's a gamble.
Each step,
Each move,
Is a risk.
I have to watch what I say, what I do, what I think
Just to make you happy
Just to make you believe everything is alright.
But the facade is beginning to crumble
It's falling apart
At my fingertips
Where I've held it all together for so long.
And the mask is beginning to fade
It's washing away
From my face
Where I've painted it on for years.
So while you push,
I'm pulling.
Soon we're going to drift away.
No one is going to take responsibility for their mistakes
And we're going to forget each other.
Lost in a sea of regret.
I've tried to paddle towards you time and time again
But you're disappearing
Too quick to comprehend
And too slow to notice.
And once we've lost it
It will be gone.
Forever.

Say What?

It's 4:14am on a Saturday in July and I'm awake.
I'm alone.
The house is empty with the exception of my animals.
It's odd.
I haven't been alone for the past 96 hours.
And...well.
I kinda wish he was here beside me.

I feel weird after reading your blog.
I cried while reading your blog.
I know more now.
Like never before.
And while inspiring,
It's depressing.
But I wanted to know.
I needed to know.
Thank you.

Will this be what it's like if he ever leaves me?
Alone?
No sound but the fan spinning and the clacking of my fingers depressing the keys on my laptop.
Sitting here staring at a screen.
Living with what can so easily be taken away.
And that's why I write.

My Love For Movies

In this post I will examine why I like movies so much and in what ways they benefit me.

To begin with, movies are just all around pleasant experiences. When you walk into the movie theater, you are bombarded by a host of sensations that are both enjoyable and soothing. The smelling popcorn while waiting in line to get your ticket and being frozen to death while watching a huge screen with brilliant imagine quality and amazing sound engineering is, for me, a favorite pass-time.

This, however, does not explain why I just love movies in general. I don't have to go to the theater to feel like watching a movie and I don't have to go to the theater to enjoy one. I believe that I watch movies because of the escapism it creates. When I'm watching a movie alone on my computer, I am escaping reality. I am joining the stars in the realm of fantasy that they create so expertly. I am in the movie, with them. I feel with them. I cry with them. I love with them. I can be anybody who I want to be: a bad guy trying to steal the show, a beautiful woman who captures the attention of the attractive protagonist, or a bystander in the background who watches all the action occurring. Movies create the same sensation for me that books do. They create the same alternate life and the same feeling of being someone greater than I already am.

But all this makes one wonder, how can escaping from what is real benefit a person? Why pretend to be somebody else when you could be out there achieving what the guys on the screen achieve? Well, let's put it this way, when I imagine myself as these other people I am more inspired to become like them. All of the qualities that I feel are good and redeeming in the characters I watch become part of me when I finish the movie. I develop a sense of person, a sense of belonging yet individuality, and I know better what I desire in my own life. By becoming a character, I believe in myself more and I feel better about myself. In my mind I go, "Yes! I can so totally do this!!!" rather than, "Oh, I'm not good enough...".

I do not think it is a waste of time to watch movies. I think they help me. They calm me, inspire me, create me. They fill me with pride and optimism when I'm feeling down. They help me relax after school, work, and life. After watching a movie, I feel like I can do anything. I have more stamina, more energy, and more will-power. In general, movies are just plain good for me...like a vitamin.

So that's why I watch and love movies. Thank you for reading. :3

No More Games of Pretending

Hush
[Hush]
And float away
Hush
[Hush]
And melt away
Into the nothingness of peace
To the quite out of his reach
You don't have to pretend no more
You don't have to cry no more
Just be still
And let it go away
Just be silent
And let it fall away
Hush
[Hush]
The darkness doesn't hurt
Hush
[Hush]
You are so much more than dirt
So don't ever let him see
How much you really need
You don't have to make-believe no more
You don't have to hide your heart on your sleeve no more
You have the power
To make it go away
Just be silent
And let it fall away
Hush

Deadly Death

I am born from the skin of the Earth.
A creature that roams her flesh.
Clinging to my mother, I never want to let go.
But one day, I must.
Until then, however, I greedily feed on her.
From her.
She provides me my needs.
I fertilize her soil with my body.
And when I finally go,
I will become one with her again.
Ashes to ashes
And dust to dust.
In this way, you and I are alike.
We are born of her and become her again.
Resistance is futile.
And you know what?
I like it this way.

Nothing But Life

These are the days I live for. Days where nothing matters. Time is gone. Everything stands still. Except for our bodies moving across the land. In rhythm. In time. Heart beat to heart beat we live for the best. And the best is never over. We matter only to one another while scarfing down two boxes of pizza. We know nothing but each other while hiding in the dark. And we all love. Every single one. In a way that doesn't hurt. In a way that builds. Us. Each other. One another. Because that's all that matters in the end, when the days are over. When the sun is fading, you are the only ones I know. The only ones worth remembering. You make me, me. And for that I thank you. Those who know not what they give and who ask for nothing in return. Thanks for the life you've let me live.

Beside Your Car

I love to breathe you in
Your smell: intoxicating
It's the only thing
I can remember
Besides your face
Smooth, pure
face
But of course with a bit of hair
Nothing without its beautiful imperfections
That make perfection
Beautiful.
The rain made it more
Than it was
Made it palpable
To my seeking hands
That searched no longer in embrace
Breathless
Yet
meaningless.
And goodbye means nothing
Nothing lost
Because there was nothing
there,
The best I can get to
truth.

Absence

I'm still searching for your face in the crowds. And I see it. Amid the passersby, when I'm looking from an angle, I catch a glimpse of your outline. And you're smiling. You're holding your arms open as if wanting to embrace me. To catch me with your body. But when I turn to run in your direction, you disappear, vanishing more and more as my own smile fades to nothing. My sprint slows to a stop. I stand in the middle of all these people. Lonely. Then I feel it begin. The heat builds behind my eyes, and the liquid flows rapidly to the ground. It's uncontrollable. Unstoppable. So I just let it happen. I stare at what was once there. A phantom. An irreplaceable being. And all I feel is hatred towards the one I love so much. But all I can do is walk away. And hope, if it may be, it will be.

Deep Breath In, Then Out

You are a parasite
A disturbance in my soul
Every time I remember
I want to forgot
The years
But you're following
Chasing me down
In my thoughts
My dreams
My fears
You're hunting me like a wild animal
And all you want is my skin
And my meat to eat
Because you're hungry
Thirsty to make me hurt
You're so good at your game
You've never lost a round
But soon enough
You will slip
The game will end
And the one in favor
Will be me.

Gone, Gone...Baby, It Really Is All Gone.

And I hate your lies
Your false messages
And I hate
Hate
Miss
You.
You were all of me
And you took it away
Washed
Burned
Scarred
It away
Like a monster,
a villain,
a crook.
And now it's all gone
And all the remains
Are ashes
Dust
Debris
And filthy rust.
And it's sour inside
Not the good kind
Where my soul bore yours
It is gone
Disappeared
Never to reappear.
My identity stolen
To one.
I gave it away
To none
But
You.
And I have nothing to show for it
Nothing that holds on to it
Slowly it slips away
Into the outer bay
Where the ships don't sway
Because
of
You.

Duplicity

Your face,
It's nothing without its mask.
The lies you tell
Represent something that you are not.
Who you pretend to be
Is so much more than you really are.
That gentle exterior
Covers the decayed skin of your reality.
Smooth, milky decadence
Hides the dark, crusty malevolence that is truly you.
Your peaceful voice
Mingles with the cruel, mocking tones of your soul.
Because nothing is true,
Everything is fake.
And there is no way to change
When you don't even realize the corruption.

Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber

Slowly awakening from the silence
Growing with the breathe of life
Stretching my arms to the slowly fading moon
And to the newly rising dawn,
I watch as the light rises.
My room slowly illuminates
With the bright purity of the new born sun
And I feel alive.
The trees whisper
And I hear their well wishes for me
As the birds lightly stir,
Chirping in their nests.
The wind blows through the screen door
And gently touches my cheek,
Brushing my hair lightly aside,
And allowing me to see even more clearly
The morning light brightening the lush leaves
And the dew glistening blades of grass.
The hum of life surrounds me
And fills my ears with music
Of awakening.
The sun is almost risen.
Purple fades to pink fades to bright blue;
A symphony of emotions play upon my face
At the view of breaking day,
The bursting of light,
The intensity of brightness,
Blinding beauty
Too joyous to be explained.
And the silence
The absolute stillness.
The day is set and everything begins to fade to normality,
Ever pleasant blue glistens all around,
And everything is the way it should be.
Everything is right,
In its proper place.
The last sighs of the morning linger,
But it is now day.
And peace
settles
upon
the
world
.
stillness
quiet
calm
to
nothing

Shhhh and white [peace]

I can finally breathe in,
I can consume as much as I like
Without consequence.
There are no chains
Only freedom
And endless sky.
The weight has been lifted
And I can
Fly.
Floating on the clouds
Like a boundless dreamer
And dipping my wings
Into the pure calmness.
The limits always exceed infinity
When I am around.
No one can stop me.
Not you,
or you,
or even you.
And above all the rest I will journey
Until I find one that can spot me,
And join me in my eternal
Heaven.

Rewrite

A rewrite of Julie Sheehan's "Hate Poem"...because right now I'm beginning to hate you.

I hate you most certainly. Most certainly I do.
Every inch surrounding me hates every inch surrounding you.
The tap of my fingers hates you.
The way I fake happiness hates you.
The sound made by the ripping of my hair were each strand pulled out individually by a person who was supposed to love me hates you.
Each atom screaming in its molecule hates you.

Watch it! Beware! I hate you.

The mashed up piece of banana that I'm trying to scrape from under my second finger nail, right hand, hates you.
The meaning of this stuffed animal hates you.
My mumbling in the background as you try to tell me all about the latest video game hates you.
The progeny of my cat hates you.
My ovary hates you. Also my friends.

The blooming flower in my backyard is both a blooming flower and an obvious symbol of how I hate you.

My voice filled with fake joy: hate.
My tears that slide down my face at night: hate.
My cheery "hello": hate.

You know how when I fall asleep, I capture you in my arms so you don't escape? Hate.
The blues of my dilated corneas imbue hate. My intelligence practices it.
My pajamas resting on my skin from evening to dawn hate you.
Suspended hate, a colloid.
Days after our recent fight, burning with the fiery heat of hate,
I separate you corpuscle by corpuscle, so that I might hate each speck exclusively and at ease.
My ventricles, insidious doppelgangers, empty with the sheer efficacy of my hate, which can never have too much of you,
Ardently, like two dreamers on a wingless plane.

Soul and Body

The crash is heard; metal against metal against glass. A gasp. A scream. And the horrid sight of blood. It mixes with the tears of your mourners. Running down the street gutters, it mixes with the pollen and the newly laid bits of tar that lie there in silence. A concoction is made that fishes drink to live forever. Unlike you. Your body is a mangled mess. Hair strewn. Flesh ripped from bone. You can't even recognize yourself. You decide that it's not you, it was never you, because, well, you can't die. You're rejection of reality leaves you empty and washed away, a meaningless spirit. You're dead. You're not dead in your mind. But the world mourns your loss anyways. You walk away without identity, because, of course, you were never that person that's now bleeding by your moving feet. And you are pure again, but only to yourself. You're not the same person so you haven't made any improvements, you're remembered by those bystanders as who you were, not who you are. But that's not you. Or so you proclaim loudly in your mind. With the deepest regret you walk down the street and you mean nothing to no-one; you've never existed till now; you're new and broken. Just like before. And already the relapse begins because you're so lost as to how to be born.

And For You

And for you I will smile despite the pain
Because it's the only way to win
The only way to show you
That I am not what I once was.

And for you I will bear it despite the pain
Because I know that you're worth it
You're worth so very much
That I can't even fathom it.

And for you I will listen despite the pain
Because I want to know all about you
All about this new you
That I have never seen before.

And for you I will love despite the pain
Because I can't stop these feelings
These feelings that embrace
That I don't have room to breathe.

And for you I will suffer despite the pain
Because I want you to come back
Back to this beating heart
That seems to pound to a rhythm that mourns the loss

Of you.

You.

Only you.

I Will Be Fully Alive

And the end is near
the finish line is coming
closer and closer it draws
and attracts
yet it is frightening
what comes next
it's always what comes next
it seems the present doesn't ever matter
the future is the only thing to focus on
well, you know what,
i want to enjoy myself
and so i will live in the present
because that is the only way to stay
alive

Together We Stand

The rain's embrace is the only one I have
I let it fall on my exposed skin
While all the others run away.

I am the only one there
To watch the tears fall
From her unhappy face.

I will always be there for you, sky,
Whether you are sunny or sad,
Because you are always there for me
And you allow me to feel
Both your joys and your sorrows.
It's just you and me now.
Together we are capable of capturing
the world.

Bedtime Stories

The silence stings the most.
When no one knows the pain,
When no one is there to take it all away,
And all is lost to the blackness of the dark.
The dim moonlight is the only thing
That illuminates the running tears
Which pour from your eyes,
As you remember.
Naked and alone you lie in bed,
Exposed to the raw emotion
That you express in its purest form,
While you remain awake
Unable to brush away the sadness.
You long for the things which you may never have,
Reaching for the now impossible,
And wondering "what if...".
And as you lull your self to sleep,
With your stifled sobs reaching no ears but your own,
You hope that one day
You can have him back
In your arms,
The place where you know he belongs.

Non-disclosure

There is this tiny hole
In the very center
So tiny and so unnoticeable
Unfeelable
but
There are moments
When instantaneous grief strikes
Me down
down
drowning
And I can't breathe
And it hurts
To the point of
breakage
The mask shatters
With the touch
Of salty liquid
That escapes from my
eyes
I am utterly
Blinded by emotions
Or lack there of
Over things that are
uncontrollable
And that anger
It builds
Because I never knew why
you
left.

Versus

When will that moment come
the moment of understanding
because no one really knows
i wish someone would know
please just make it stop
the misunderstanding
because it hurts a tad bit too much
sometimes i want it to go away
but still i suffer
in silence
of both the future and past
when misunderstanding
came before understanding
and the world cried
but it seems as though
it can't be helped
not now
not after now
not before after now
never
because when it comes to understanding
people misunderstand a lot
and no one is able
to separate the two

Nothing is Impossible

I look up and I see infinity.
The unimaginably great expanse
that I wish to travel.

Running with my six stubby legs,
I gain a head start
But I fall as I look away from the sky.

I try something new,
I focus
I spread my wings,
my dots smearing together
a red blur
and I fly

I am lifted.

Infinity is not so infinite any more.

Just Some Stuff

I had to write a poem using this "magnetic poetry" website (http://www.magneticpoetry.com/play.asp) for literature class.
Here's what I came up with.

(1)
your voice
tantalizing my forever fevered blood
drenches my naked ear in
dream music
lingering lightly through whisper waves
flickering in and out
of remembering
I listen
entwined
with the gentle song touch

(2)
translucent flowers
like brilliantly cold ice kisses
fly down from soft sky clouds
to me
melting to liquid wetness
on my naked lips
cleaning the velvet air
from dirty dark secrets
they soon wake peaceful
marble breezes

I get upset when I read some things,
For example:

"Sometimes I pretend to limp in public
Children have asked me 'What's wrong'
I tell them 'Motorcycle accident.'
I hope it will scare them enough
So no one will have the lose their best friend."

and

"To the incredibly beautiful man
with the dreadlocks who I almost
killed when I pulled out in front of you
on 2nd street when I was in my car
and you were on your motorcycle: I'M SORRY.
I would have never been able to forgive
myself if I crashed into you."

and

"I am becoming a writer to give our nearly-perfect fairy tale the Happily Ever After it deserved."

Those things that people wrote just make me want to cry.
Maybe I'm just being over dramatic,
But I can't help it.
People should be happy. Everyone should smile. No one should die. No one should suffer. Both animals and humans alike (though they are one in the same). Why can't we coexist peacefully?
I just want to grieve for the world.
I want to help it.
I wish I knew how...
I will find out.

Relaxation

when i want to relax
i clear my mind
white space surrounds my entire being
and i fall into the bright nothingness
spiraling downwards into neverendingness
that leaves me senseless
i pretend i am the wind
and i move the way i'm told
i move to and fro
i move to
i move
i
deep breathing to the point of numbness
to the point at which i float
with the air captured in my lungs
in my mind i am weightless
a balloon
one that will never burst
except with the eruption of peace

What Do I Want?

There are so many things that I am looking forward to in these coming. So many that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do everything. I want to, but I think I might burn myself out if I do. Here is my list:

1. Learn how to play guitar, piano (better), rock cello, violin (better), and how to sing. I really love music and I want to continue to play an instrument for the entirety of my life. I also want my children, if I have children, to play instruments. Music is very important to me.

2. Learn many languages. As many as I can. I will start with Japanese, Arabic, and Russian. Then I will most certainly learn German, Spanish, French, and Italian.

3. Travel abroad. I want to go to Japan, Spain, Greece, and Italy. Maybe other places too.

4. I love biology...and therefore I want to study it. Maybe double major in comparative literature and molecular biology? I also want to major in literature though...Could I become a successful writer?

5. I wish to learn ballet. Every time I have taken the class I have loved it. It makes me feel physically good...like nothing else. All the stretching relaxes me and makes me calmer. I just don't have the money for lessons...With that I also want to participate in gymnastics, but I seem to be too old to do anything of the sort at the Family Y...

6. I must participate in some sort of environmental group in college. I feel like I'm not doing my part and I want to learn more ways in which I can change that.

7. I want to promote vegetarianism more...or at least a decreased intake of meat. I want to do this soon...as in during this school year. Guess I better get working.

Bed Bugs

When I turn out the lights
I grow afraid
Of the creepy-crawly things
That race out my mind.
They haunt me to no end
And cause me great displeasure
Because of the longing that they evoke
From my deepest heart.
I can't keep them away
No matter how hard I seem to try
And I get hurt every time
When they bite so hard.
I am left with their marks,
Their scar-causing venom
Runs through my veins,
And I have to hide from others
What they have done to me.
I beg and plead my brain
To send them away
But I am too attracted
Too seduced
To really have them leave.

My Aspirations

What I want to be
When I grow up
Is the summer wind that runs through your hair,
That caresses your soft face,
And wraps around you in a blanket of warmth.
I want to be the cold ocean water
That laps at your bare toes
And leaves you suddenly breathless
When you bathe yourself in it.
I want to be the green grass
On which you lay
And which tickles your body
In just the right places.
I want to be the gentle sun
Shining on every inch of your exposed skin
And warming you pleasurably
So that you know it's me.
I want to be everything that touches you.
I want to be everything that makes you happy.
I want to be yours.