What I Would Say to You (if i had the courage...)

I may not be able to completely understand your pain. I've never been close to someone who has died. I've never been in the room as a person dies. So I don't claim to understand. However, I do understand that you're hurting. I understand that you want to be left alone. I understand that you're seeking peace. I know this. But with my personality, all I want to do for you is be there. I want to know how you're feeling. I want to know you're okay. I want to feel like you're using me like I believe you should in this situation. But I get none of those desires filled. This sounds very selfish to me, but at the same time it's a normal reaction. Loved ones are supposed to be there for one another for support and, since you don't ask for mine, I feel useless. I also feel abandoned. I feel like you don't really care how I feel about this. I don't understand why you still want a relationship if you don't want to see me or talk to me. That's not being in a relationship. I'm pretending that I don't have a boyfriend right now so that I don't have to feel the pain of not having your companionship. When people ask me about you, I tell them I don't want to talk about it. I've taken the path of apathy and disillusionment so I won't hurt so much. This is so hard for me. I'm trying to give you want you need, but when should I start thinking about myself? I'm not happy. It's hard to be happy in this situation you've put me in. You say you still wish to be with me and yet you have nothing to do with me. I think that's a little bit selfish of you. I don't think you understand the stress you have and are putting me through. I've been tempted to break up with you over this because I feel so hurt. I haven't because I love you. I love you so much and that is the only reason why I try to be there for you. That's the only reason I let myself suffer through everything you've put me through. I feel that you don't have the same commitment and that you feel nowhere near as strongly about me as I do about you. I hope I'm wrong. I cling on to that hope with all I have. I remember all the times you've shown me so much love and I grasp onto those memories for dear life. It hurts to remember them because I wish it was like that all the time. I know that is a great demand, but a little goes a long way. An "I love you" now and again lets me know you're thinking of me and that you still care about me. You confuse me sometimes. If you don't want to talk to me then why do you say that you'll call? Just tell me the truth. Tell me you still want to be alone. The only reason I called you so much this past Wednesday and Thursday was because you told me you would call and when you didn't, I worried and got really upset. It hurts me a lot when you tell me you'll do something and then don't fulfill your promise. It hurts me when you make up excuses for why you didn't call or text me if you promised to call me after work. Just saying "Hey, I've had a long day and just want to sleep right now. I won't be calling tonight but I love you." would suffice. But what's the point in saying all this to you? You don't listen to me very often. You don't seem to care how I feel sometimes. So there's no point. And now I'm just in wait for the day that you'll either come around or realize that you don't really love who I am. I cling. I love. I worry. I wonder. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm lonely. That's me and will always be a part of me no matter how much I improve myself. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Leave me or take me, it's up to you. Just know that I love you and that I always will.

Here is my make believe...and not so make believe.

I am caught in the endless circle of
WANT
DESIRE
and then
hopelessness
that makes me feel so very
small
tiny
insignificant
I desire most to be desired.
Yearning to be somebody's number one.
Why am I not important?
Why am I forgotten?
Why do I feel like no one cares?
And when I'm finally drained of all the tears I can possibly cry
And when no more pain is physically possible
There comes an apathy and disdain for the world.
Why should I go to the world
Why can't the world come to me?!
My needs fall on deaf ears.
I am unfulfilled.
but secretly I think I want to stay like this
secretly my mind wants me sad
and secretly I beg for attention where it's not given
Here's the smile.
Here's the laughing and enjoyment everyone wishes to see on my face.
"Why are you so sad looking?"
"Smile, you're too pretty to frown."
"Why are you so quiet?"
Because it's me.
Just me.
Only me.
How do I be who you want me to be
and yet continue to be happy
or unhappily happy?
There's just no winning.
And all I feel I can do is give up.
Go down.
Into the deepest sorrow I have.
At least it will hold me tightly in it's claws.

Thoughts after American Beauty

There are times when I have the sudden desire to create. I want to add to the world in a beautiful, unforgettable way. However, I lack the confidence. I see the wonders that others have created, that fill me unimaginable desire and hope for the future, and I don't see how I could ever compare. I want to leave a mark on the world that tells everyone about me, about the inspiring creativity that I believe I possess. But grow afraid because often the world doesn't listen or doesn't seem to care. Rather than looking at life as a conglomeration of each of our vast efforts, many people look only at themselves as individuals. That, I believe, is one of the main reasons our society is so very sad. We each strive to be the best individual we believe we can be, but when we reach our goals it isn't enough and we want more. The endless striving for perfection within ourselves drives us insane, drives us to depression and drugs and alcohol and sex because of their temporary and easy satisfaction. And, when we sober up, everything becomes meaningless again to the point where we see no point and beg for self-destruction. Rather than playing this game, feeding the monster that is there to eat each of our souls, we should break free. We should hold each other up, praise each other, make each other feel good. Through this we can find that longed for satisfaction. Only through this. There is no other substitution and everything else you use to try to fill that hole doesn't fit right. When you make someone else feel you, you find the ultimate joy that is your heart's greatest passion. When others feel good, you feel good. Why bring others down to your sorrowful, pitiful, meaningless grief when you can raise them up to more than what you can be on your own? And who knows, maybe if you do this for others, others will do the same for you. The world should be a win-win situation rather than a lose-lose-death situation. I beg for us all to one day realize this.

I'm in this Pit (alone)

When I feel like this, I feel everything else fade away. I feel reality slip past me and I slide into a nothingness that is all-consuming. I can't look around me. There's nothing there. I can't see the good past, I can't enjoy the happy future. I'm down, down, down. I'm down in the darkness and lost. Lost in a sea of self-pity and self-loathing. The two don't mix well. I can't stand this. I can't stand how it makes me feel and I hate to see the effect it has on others. I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm screwed up, messed up, good-for-nothing, trash, scum, the lowest of the low. At least that's what my mind tells me. Every day it repeats to me the same dialogue. There is no hope for the future. There was no happiness in the past. You aren't happy now and you'll never be happy ever again. And then it encourages me to change what I'm going through...but not in a healthy way. It tells me that the only way I can get past this numb sadness is to physically hurt myself. If I hurt on the outside, the inside pain will vanish..or at the very least be reduced. I try not to listen. Very hard I try to block out the harm it's trying to cause me. But sometimes it seems to get out of control. The endless waves of pain are pure agony and there's no one I can talk to about it. No one. The world is cruel and mocking. Out to get you. You must protect yourself or you'll be hurt. Don't trust. Never trust. It'll be your demise if you do. But I want so badly to be able to talk about it. It hurts even more to keep it inside. The pain sears my stomach lining and when it's especially bad, I feel like my guts are bound to spill out from the hole the pain has bore. There's nothing to do but hold it in, though. Pretend everything is alright. Nobody likes a crier. Nobody likes a loser who wants to end their life. And so it's best just to paint on a smile and show everyone what they want to see rather than what would make them uncomfortable.

Good For Nothing

I just want to help.
That's all I ever want to do.
I want you to need me
But I feel that you don't.
You don't use me like you should
You don't seem to depend on me
And I want to be depended on.
I want to be of some help.
But it seems I never can.
I'm always the one that's helpless.
I hate that.
I want to be there for you.
I want to and need to and yearn to.
I feel so weak and stupid and useless.
I'm never of any help to you.
And I'm always asking of your help.
And this is how I'm always the loser.
I'm so sick of being the loser.

i can't take this

I can't take this!
This worry and anxiety over you.
Why do you do this to me...
Why.
I feel so upset, so sad.
I feel so worried, so concerned.
I want to know that you're okay
But I don't want to annoy you.
My peace of mind has vanished at this moment.
And all I can do is worry.
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I can't enjoy anything.
Because I love you and I don't want you to be hurt.
I hate it when you don't answer your phone.
I hate it when you don't do the things you say you will do.
It hurts me.
I feel so very
just
i want it to stop
i know you're probably okay
but you said you'd text me
and you haven't
it's been over an hour
and you haven't
what does that leave me with
nothing.

I yearn for you

For some reason, I'm jealous.
I want you, all of you.
And I don't feel like I have it.
But I realize that I have a lot of who you are.
You say I know more than most...than all?
For some reason, however, I'm still jealous.
I feel like something is being kept from me.
And I want to know what it is.
I want to know everything.
I try to tell you everything.
And I know you would tell me things if I asked,
But I don't know what to ask.
I wish I did.
I wish I knew everything.
*sigh*
I love you with all my heart.
And I seek you with all my heart.
Show me everything.
Please.
I want to see it all.
I want to see your hurt.
I want to see you.
All of you.
The good, the bad, the mundane.
Everything.
I will cherish it all.
I promise not to break you with it.
I promise I will always be there for you.
So let me in with everything you got
and more.