Longing

Who am I?
I wouldn't know how to answer if I were asked.
What makes me me is all the pieces of everyone else.
Everyone I know and love, they make me who I am.
That's why this is so very difficult.
I'm away from you all.
Out of mind and out of sight.
Our lives are no longer intertwined..
And yet...
And yet you're still here.
You're still in this place called me.
I feel a yearning to go back because I've left most of me at home.
You, you, and you
You're all back where I belong.
My heart is with you,
My heart is you,
And it's unbearable to be without my heart.
The emptiness inside my chest does not subside.
I fill the hole moment by moment,
Taking pleasure in the newness I behold every day,
And yet it's not enough.
The relief is only temporary.
Nothing substantial enough to make me whole again.
I hear your calling but the connection is weak.
Oh how I wish to go back and see every face again.
Faces that are reflections of my own.
Faces that show my inner joy, grief, anxiety.
Faces that are me.

Who I Am

The suicidal silence is so alluring
pulling me from reality
tossing me into the deepness of my dreams
dark and deadly
but free from any confinement.

It's something so familiar
and I don't even realize it
as I'm lulled into familiar territory
and transformed into something which is terrifyingly beautiful.

I love this me,
the one with the tragic backdrop
of depression and all-consuming sadness
that's riddled with crimson blood
which stains all sharp metallic surfaces.

Through all the loneliness
and every wave of defeat and emptiness
it has been the constant on which I depend.

This is the me
and the only me I know
and I'm in love with it.

The dirtiness, the secrecy, and the creativity it has brought me.

I can never be saved from myself
only because I don't want to be
only because
well
because it is me.

I Feel This Again

What do you do with the brokenness that resides in your deepest corners. How do you stop the jagged edges of the mirror which reflected your innocence from ripping your innards. You try not to move. You try to keep very still so that maybe, just maybe, everything will settle. All the pieces will fall back into place and you'll regain what has been lost. You believe that if you do this, the hurt from all the cuts will slowly subside, scab over, and finally become forgotten. However, this is impossible. When you focus so hard on not moving, it makes you itch for the world. It makes your heart restless with wonder for the what ifs. You think to yourself, "I've sat still for long enough. My insides must be whole again. I've served my time and now I can experience all the beauty I've been missing." Then you take a leap. Or rather, a breath. You inhale with all your might, filling your lungs to the brim with the world that has passed you by in your stillness. And slowly, carefully, you let it out again. You get to the end of your exhale and every bit of the newness you just took in has escaped once more. That very second, that very moment when everything is once again mundane, the pain comes back like never before. You feel it first in your lungs, shredding their inner lining and tearing them open so that the blood flows throughout you. It bathes your stomach in it's liquid red fury, makes it crumple in upon itself with the weight of all your regrets, and shrivels it with the poison of hatred. And finally, your heart begins to weaken, slowing down its beat because there is no passion to keep it going. Everything has come back. Every hurt. Every longing. Every negative word. Every abusive intention targeted towards you. Every jealousy that makes your thoughts scream with anger. All of a sudden you begin to fall and spiral down towards that darkness that you promised yourself you would never ever reach for again. The weakness of your soul consumes you and your eyes close towards everything around you no matter what amazing sights you may behold. And the only thing you feel you can possibly do is resort back to that stillness to start the healing again. You convince yourself that it will work this time, all you have to do is try harder. So you go back to your corner, though your conscience is screaming for you to go fucking be what you really are, and you become that still being lingering in the shadows again. The one that no one notices. The one that bothers no one. The one that isn't really alive.

I can't.

I feel like I'll never amount to your family. I'll never be as important as them. It's selfish. I know it's fucking selfish. But fuck, I want your attention. We only have so much time in this world together. I don't have the luxury of knowing that you'll always be there like your family does. I'm always worried that you're going to leave me. Just disappear one day. I have my fucking ex to blame for that. I can't stand feeling second best. And that's how I feel right now. I feel as if I'm not important. I feel like you would choose family, games, or friends over me any day. Fuck. I just want to be number one in someone's life. You're number one in mine. I make sacrifices of hanging out with others for your sake. So that I'm there for you whenever you want me to be. But you just leave randomly. To go play games or doing something like watch your brother play games. Why do games seem to be so much more important than me? I just want to come back so that I'm actually in your life. Because I don't feel like I am right now. I just feel like I'm there because you have to have something that really loves you in your life. I say that out of anger and hurt and I don't really mean it. But fuck, I just fucking hurt so bad right now. It's a time when, back in the day, I would cut. Stupid, I know. But my emotions just are so huge. I can't control them. They take over and I can't get out of their grip. I just want to call you back and make you stay. But I know that would just hurt us as a couple. I hate this. I hate loving so much. All I do is get hurt. All I feel is hurt. Because I want you all. I'm so fucking possessive and jealous. I fucking hate myself for it. I just want to go away because I'm really no good for you. This is just going to continue and I'm either going to make you unhappy or make myself unhappy. I feel like I can never be happy with a guy because I'll always want more. This sucks because you're so very amazing and I'm never going to let you go. I'm confusing myself now. I shouldn't feel all of this. I should just be very happy because I'm with you.

I feel Stupid

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I just want to hit myself and just take myself away from the people I love because I know that all I do is bother them, hurt them, and make them hate me. This life is stupid. Everything is stupid. Because of me. Fuck. I just want to vanish in my sleep. I just want to melt away from this world because I can't stand it. I can't stand the constant loneliness I feel. The constant sadness over every stupid little fucking thing. I pour my heart out and only so much comes back. I empty more than I am filled and it leaves this hole that I can't repair. I don't love myself and I don't know how I ever could. I don't deserve anyone else's love because of this. They say you can't love others if you can't love yourself...and I don't understand this. I don't love myself but there are others that I love with the greatest passion. Whatever. I'm just sick of the way I am. I want to change, but I don't know how.

First Full Day in Japan (Osaka)

I feel so lonely...and so different. I can't speak to anyone. I can't read the signs. Sometimes I don't even know how to work the toilet. I miss everything about America right now. I miss my friends, my boyfriend, my family, and everything else that I know and love. It's so hard being here and not knowing anything. It would be great if I had someone with me, being there for me and such. But such is not the case. I go from feeling great about being here, excited to see new things and learn Japanese, to feeling really upset, scared, and lonely. There are times when I cry and cry and then there are times when I feel great. I hate the ups and downs. I really hope this gets better because I don't think I could go ten months feeling the way I do right now.

Poetry Out Loud

Hate Poem

Julie Sheehan

I hate you truly. Truly I do.
Everything about me hates everything about you.
The flick of my wrist hates you.
The way I hold my pencil hates you.
The sound made by my tiniest bones were they trapped
     in the jaws of a moray eel hates you.
Each corpuscle singing in its capillary hates you.

Look out! Fore! I hate you.

The blue-green jewel of sock lint I’m digging
     from under my third toenail, left foot, hates you.
The history of this keychain hates you.
My sigh in the background as you explain relational databases
     hates you.
The goldfish of my genius hates you.
My aorta hates you. Also my ancestors.

A closed window is both a closed window and an obvious
     symbol of how I hate you.

My voice curt as a hairshirt: hate.
My hesitation when you invite me for a drive: hate.
My pleasant “good morning”: hate.
You know how when I’m sleepy I nuzzle my head
     under your arm? Hate.
The whites of my target-eyes articulate hate. My wit
     practices it.
My breasts relaxing in their holster from morning
     to night hate you.
Layers of hate, a parfait.
Hours after our latest row, brandishing the sharp glee of hate,
I dissect you cell by cell, so that I might hate each one
     individually and at leisure.
My lungs, duplicitous twins, expand with the utter validity
     of my hate, which can never have enough of you,
Breathlessly, like two idealists in a broken submarine.

~still and always~

I still feel it
the belonging
it resides deeply
darkly
into the innermost.
It calls
for you
and only you,
yearning to escape
and catch you.
Every time a thought of you arises
it grasps onto it
craving the sweet sight of your face
the tenderness that used to be
and that it desires
to still be.
There is not stopping
this bending
aching
folding
desire that it is to be yours.
And so I am yours.
Still
and always.

Come Back

How can I still belong to you
when my beating heart breaks at the thought of you
when all I want to do is call out
call for you back
and get you back
Come back to my arms
Be mine
I'm yours and don't think I could be anyone else's.
Please
Beg for me
Want me
Desire me.
I can't do this.
I can't be just your friend.
Because I want more
so much more
Let me hold you
Let me melt into you
and never
ever
resurface.
I don't want to live this life without you at my side.
I want to be yours
forever
and ever
till the day comes when I can no longer understand what the concept of yours is
and till you can no longer hold me in your arms
I want this journey to be ours
not just mine.

This is What I Wish and Dream

You still whisper in my ear.
Everything reminds me of you.
That guy and girl walking down the street
Coming from the liquor store
Laughing and holding hands
Why is that still not us?
Memories fade in and out of reality
Dreams mix my desires with my fears
And you're there.
Always there.
Because I still love you.
I didn't want this to happen.
I didn't want to break up with you.
We had something.
I felt the world in you.
And I gave you up...
But maybe you had given me up long before.
Not wanting to talk to me
Yet still wanting a relationship...
That doesn't make sense.
Not depending on me,
Not needing me,
Not touching me.
I need those things.
I wish you were the one to provide them.
I wish I could snap my fingers
Make you appear again
And this time, this time it would work.
And I want you to chase me.
I want you to hunt me down
Tell me how much you still love me
And tell me you'll change.
And then you actually change.
After all,
You are one of the greatest people I know
I love you so very much
And I put up with so much
Just to make us work.
I have the hope that you'll come back for me.
I have the dream that you'll sweep me off my feet.
I have the desire that you'll never forget me.
I have the wish that you'll still love me.
Please come back.
I want you back.
so
very
badly

Neverending

why can i not live for myself
i strive to impress
not myself
but you
and that's stupid
it's fucking bullshit.

how can i feel so happy and complete at times
and then
have everything fall apart at my feet
to where i can't think
breathe
sleep
live.

when will i feel that i am myself
and no one else
no longer a conglomeration
but rather
a single pure entity
free of the filth fed to me.

where do i go to obtain freedom
from myself
from the world
from you
the only thing that can save me
and kill me too.

there must be something more.
there must be someone more.
there must be more.

What I Would Say to You (if i had the courage...)

I may not be able to completely understand your pain. I've never been close to someone who has died. I've never been in the room as a person dies. So I don't claim to understand. However, I do understand that you're hurting. I understand that you want to be left alone. I understand that you're seeking peace. I know this. But with my personality, all I want to do for you is be there. I want to know how you're feeling. I want to know you're okay. I want to feel like you're using me like I believe you should in this situation. But I get none of those desires filled. This sounds very selfish to me, but at the same time it's a normal reaction. Loved ones are supposed to be there for one another for support and, since you don't ask for mine, I feel useless. I also feel abandoned. I feel like you don't really care how I feel about this. I don't understand why you still want a relationship if you don't want to see me or talk to me. That's not being in a relationship. I'm pretending that I don't have a boyfriend right now so that I don't have to feel the pain of not having your companionship. When people ask me about you, I tell them I don't want to talk about it. I've taken the path of apathy and disillusionment so I won't hurt so much. This is so hard for me. I'm trying to give you want you need, but when should I start thinking about myself? I'm not happy. It's hard to be happy in this situation you've put me in. You say you still wish to be with me and yet you have nothing to do with me. I think that's a little bit selfish of you. I don't think you understand the stress you have and are putting me through. I've been tempted to break up with you over this because I feel so hurt. I haven't because I love you. I love you so much and that is the only reason why I try to be there for you. That's the only reason I let myself suffer through everything you've put me through. I feel that you don't have the same commitment and that you feel nowhere near as strongly about me as I do about you. I hope I'm wrong. I cling on to that hope with all I have. I remember all the times you've shown me so much love and I grasp onto those memories for dear life. It hurts to remember them because I wish it was like that all the time. I know that is a great demand, but a little goes a long way. An "I love you" now and again lets me know you're thinking of me and that you still care about me. You confuse me sometimes. If you don't want to talk to me then why do you say that you'll call? Just tell me the truth. Tell me you still want to be alone. The only reason I called you so much this past Wednesday and Thursday was because you told me you would call and when you didn't, I worried and got really upset. It hurts me a lot when you tell me you'll do something and then don't fulfill your promise. It hurts me when you make up excuses for why you didn't call or text me if you promised to call me after work. Just saying "Hey, I've had a long day and just want to sleep right now. I won't be calling tonight but I love you." would suffice. But what's the point in saying all this to you? You don't listen to me very often. You don't seem to care how I feel sometimes. So there's no point. And now I'm just in wait for the day that you'll either come around or realize that you don't really love who I am. I cling. I love. I worry. I wonder. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm lonely. That's me and will always be a part of me no matter how much I improve myself. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is. Leave me or take me, it's up to you. Just know that I love you and that I always will.

Here is my make believe...and not so make believe.

I am caught in the endless circle of
WANT
DESIRE
and then
hopelessness
that makes me feel so very
small
tiny
insignificant
I desire most to be desired.
Yearning to be somebody's number one.
Why am I not important?
Why am I forgotten?
Why do I feel like no one cares?
And when I'm finally drained of all the tears I can possibly cry
And when no more pain is physically possible
There comes an apathy and disdain for the world.
Why should I go to the world
Why can't the world come to me?!
My needs fall on deaf ears.
I am unfulfilled.
but secretly I think I want to stay like this
secretly my mind wants me sad
and secretly I beg for attention where it's not given
Here's the smile.
Here's the laughing and enjoyment everyone wishes to see on my face.
"Why are you so sad looking?"
"Smile, you're too pretty to frown."
"Why are you so quiet?"
Because it's me.
Just me.
Only me.
How do I be who you want me to be
and yet continue to be happy
or unhappily happy?
There's just no winning.
And all I feel I can do is give up.
Go down.
Into the deepest sorrow I have.
At least it will hold me tightly in it's claws.

Thoughts after American Beauty

There are times when I have the sudden desire to create. I want to add to the world in a beautiful, unforgettable way. However, I lack the confidence. I see the wonders that others have created, that fill me unimaginable desire and hope for the future, and I don't see how I could ever compare. I want to leave a mark on the world that tells everyone about me, about the inspiring creativity that I believe I possess. But grow afraid because often the world doesn't listen or doesn't seem to care. Rather than looking at life as a conglomeration of each of our vast efforts, many people look only at themselves as individuals. That, I believe, is one of the main reasons our society is so very sad. We each strive to be the best individual we believe we can be, but when we reach our goals it isn't enough and we want more. The endless striving for perfection within ourselves drives us insane, drives us to depression and drugs and alcohol and sex because of their temporary and easy satisfaction. And, when we sober up, everything becomes meaningless again to the point where we see no point and beg for self-destruction. Rather than playing this game, feeding the monster that is there to eat each of our souls, we should break free. We should hold each other up, praise each other, make each other feel good. Through this we can find that longed for satisfaction. Only through this. There is no other substitution and everything else you use to try to fill that hole doesn't fit right. When you make someone else feel you, you find the ultimate joy that is your heart's greatest passion. When others feel good, you feel good. Why bring others down to your sorrowful, pitiful, meaningless grief when you can raise them up to more than what you can be on your own? And who knows, maybe if you do this for others, others will do the same for you. The world should be a win-win situation rather than a lose-lose-death situation. I beg for us all to one day realize this.

I'm in this Pit (alone)

When I feel like this, I feel everything else fade away. I feel reality slip past me and I slide into a nothingness that is all-consuming. I can't look around me. There's nothing there. I can't see the good past, I can't enjoy the happy future. I'm down, down, down. I'm down in the darkness and lost. Lost in a sea of self-pity and self-loathing. The two don't mix well. I can't stand this. I can't stand how it makes me feel and I hate to see the effect it has on others. I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? I'm screwed up, messed up, good-for-nothing, trash, scum, the lowest of the low. At least that's what my mind tells me. Every day it repeats to me the same dialogue. There is no hope for the future. There was no happiness in the past. You aren't happy now and you'll never be happy ever again. And then it encourages me to change what I'm going through...but not in a healthy way. It tells me that the only way I can get past this numb sadness is to physically hurt myself. If I hurt on the outside, the inside pain will vanish..or at the very least be reduced. I try not to listen. Very hard I try to block out the harm it's trying to cause me. But sometimes it seems to get out of control. The endless waves of pain are pure agony and there's no one I can talk to about it. No one. The world is cruel and mocking. Out to get you. You must protect yourself or you'll be hurt. Don't trust. Never trust. It'll be your demise if you do. But I want so badly to be able to talk about it. It hurts even more to keep it inside. The pain sears my stomach lining and when it's especially bad, I feel like my guts are bound to spill out from the hole the pain has bore. There's nothing to do but hold it in, though. Pretend everything is alright. Nobody likes a crier. Nobody likes a loser who wants to end their life. And so it's best just to paint on a smile and show everyone what they want to see rather than what would make them uncomfortable.