Good For Nothing

I just want to help.
That's all I ever want to do.
I want you to need me
But I feel that you don't.
You don't use me like you should
You don't seem to depend on me
And I want to be depended on.
I want to be of some help.
But it seems I never can.
I'm always the one that's helpless.
I hate that.
I want to be there for you.
I want to and need to and yearn to.
I feel so weak and stupid and useless.
I'm never of any help to you.
And I'm always asking of your help.
And this is how I'm always the loser.
I'm so sick of being the loser.

i can't take this

I can't take this!
This worry and anxiety over you.
Why do you do this to me...
Why.
I feel so upset, so sad.
I feel so worried, so concerned.
I want to know that you're okay
But I don't want to annoy you.
My peace of mind has vanished at this moment.
And all I can do is worry.
I can't sleep.
I can't think.
I can't enjoy anything.
Because I love you and I don't want you to be hurt.
I hate it when you don't answer your phone.
I hate it when you don't do the things you say you will do.
It hurts me.
I feel so very
just
i want it to stop
i know you're probably okay
but you said you'd text me
and you haven't
it's been over an hour
and you haven't
what does that leave me with
nothing.

I yearn for you

For some reason, I'm jealous.
I want you, all of you.
And I don't feel like I have it.
But I realize that I have a lot of who you are.
You say I know more than most...than all?
For some reason, however, I'm still jealous.
I feel like something is being kept from me.
And I want to know what it is.
I want to know everything.
I try to tell you everything.
And I know you would tell me things if I asked,
But I don't know what to ask.
I wish I did.
I wish I knew everything.
*sigh*
I love you with all my heart.
And I seek you with all my heart.
Show me everything.
Please.
I want to see it all.
I want to see your hurt.
I want to see you.
All of you.
The good, the bad, the mundane.
Everything.
I will cherish it all.
I promise not to break you with it.
I promise I will always be there for you.
So let me in with everything you got
and more.

Help Me

When I feel sad, I feel really sad. I feel abnormally sad. So sad that I don't know what to do with myself. I crave attention and help. I want someone to notice and be there for me. But I don't wanna ask for help. I don't wanna beg for someone to be there with me in my sadness...because I don't want to put that person through my own misery. I don't want to make someone else suffer. Yet I want people to know how much I actually hurt. I want to wear my heart on my arm without the fear of being hurt. But it's not possible. I'm bound to be hurt over and over again. Because that's how people are. They're out to get you. If not now, then later...when you're least expecting it. The worst time. I'm so afraid of it. So afraid of being hurt again, cut again, torn to pieces again. I think I need help. I think I need medication. I think I need hospitalization at times. But I don't want any of that drama. I don't want to be a problem, a burden. I want that help. But I don't want to be the one the family talks about. I don't want to be a burden to my boyfriend, my friends, my family. I hate to show them that I'm weak...especially since they seem so very strong. They seem not to need me. But I need them so badly. I wish I could tell everyone that. Show everyone that. I feel like I want more than I'm wanted. I crave attention more than I should. And it hurts me. It hurts me to love more than I'm loved....or at least that's how I feel. It may not be true...I'm sure people love me...it's just that sometimes I don't feel it. Sometimes I don't feel anything...and sometimes I feel too much. Oh, please help me somebody. I need it.

Love

But I am happy in you.
When I feel you're there,
I feel peace.
But...
I often feel you're not...
Because
I'm paranoid.
So utterly afraid.
Of you letting go again.
Leaving me to float aimlessly in this vast sea.
Show me.
Show me the world.
Show me you.
I want to know.
And I want you to know
I love you.

Distraction=life, Life=distraction

And the irrational fears never cease to cease.
My mind, it is a nightmare.
I try my hardest to avoid it.
Distraction after endless distraction.
Life is made to be one big distraction.
When I get un-distracted by this distraction
I live in fear.
Reality hits.
And it hurts.
Everything I block out every day hurtles into me
at a million trillion miles per hour
without a warning sign
and i plummet into nothingness
It is the nothingness I fear the most.
The meaninglessness of it all.
So I distract myself again
In hopes that if I don't think
I don't have to face it
the truth
the lies
reality.

The One

When I write it feels as if the world is mine and mine alone. It feels like I can do anything, be anyone, escape from reality. I know my true self through my writing. The facade that I put on every day fades away and I become who I truly am, who I truly wish I could be in person. But I'm too shy for that. I'm too embarrassed to show others what defines me and makes me me. I shouldn't be, I know that. I should loosen up, be who I really am. So easy for you guys to say, so easy for you guys to do. I fear the rejection more than anything else. I've been rejected, given up on, verbally abused too many times to not fear it. I live every day in restraint so I won't get hurt. Somehow I still manage to feel rejection though. Somehow I still feel like the world frowns upon the me that only I can see. I don't think that they understand. I don't think that anyone really understands. If there was a person who did I know I would feel it. I know I would shine like the brightest star in the sky when I was around them. But I've yet to find that person. That one who will finally open me up and show me to the world. I'll continue to search until the end for him or her. I'll continue to try my best to be true to myself in the meanwhile. I know that day will come, just wish I knew when. Whoever you are, person with the key, I hope that I can help you just as much as you'll help me. <3

i hate this make it go away

I don't know how to handle this.
I don't know.
I feel so desperate.
For your attention
For only your attention
And I'm a jealous freak
wanting you all to myself
and i hate myself for that
i don't know how to handle this.
these uncontrollable thoughts and feels.
this roller coaster.
i just want it to stop.
please god, make it stop.
because i can't handle this.
i can't.
i feel like there's no one.
but there's people all around.
i feel like i'm lonely.
i am lonely.
so alone.
i hate being alone.
left out
the outsider
why do i get like this?
why do i do this to myself
and why can't i control myself
i hate these uncontrollable thoughts
that push their ugly heads to the surface
and cast shadows of doubt
that make me feel like i'm worthless
that make me feel like shit
everything just go away
because i can't handle it
not now
when?
please let me gain control
i want to own my life again
i want to be me again
i hate this.
i hate hate hate this.
so much
and the tears won't stop
and the pain doesn't quit
and everything so out of my reach
so far away
please
stop
now.

To 10:43pm Sadness

I am so sick of being sad.
I'm so sick of feeling lonely, left out, the outsider.
I want friends, but I don't know how to make them.
I need people, but they don't seem to need me.
And I feel like I can't fix this,
Like I'm all alone in facing my problems.
There's no one to run to,
No one who can understand
This pain.
I want people to love me.
I want to feel the world's embrace.
I want them to notice me instead of walking by without a glance.
But I don't like attracting attention,
I don't know how to converse,
And somehow that makes me less desirable,
less worthy of friendship.
So every weekday night I sit at home
Alone
And I cry myself to sleep
With the deepest desires for friendship gnawing at my mind.
This is the continual pattern that shall forever remain until
Change
happens and I am released from the cycle.
I just wish I knew how to bring about said change.

Please Don't Go (i know you have to go)

I never knew it would be like this. Never knew that I would love you so much. And now that I do, I can't seem to let you go; not for a week, not for a day, not for an hour, not for a minute, not even for a second. Any length longer than a week is purely unfathomable. And I know it's ridiculous. I know I'm ridiculous. I apologize for that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I cling to you with the desperateness of a baby to it's mother's breast, with the need of crack-addict for his high. But that's what you are to me; you are my drug, my addiction, and I'll never be able to stop. I could never ever stop loving you. Needing you. Wanting you. I know the amount of time between your visits is frivolous compared to what some couples have to endure, but that doesn't stop me from being upset every time you have to leave. I feel like another piece of my heart is torn away every time you walk out my door, every time you make that right turn to leave my apartment complex. I can feel the ripping inside, every little tear and gash. To me, my time away from you is a dull numbness. I go through the motions and am left without meaning. Everything is black and white. But when you come again, when you finally return to my arms, everything becomes oh so perfect. The world becomes blindingly colorful and every single action carries with a multitudinous amount of words. And so I yearn for the day we can finally be together every single day. When I can come home to you every single night. When I can feel you in my every sleeping moment and see you when I wake. What bliss that day will be. But for now, all I have are my dreams.

A Little Crush

You make my heart beat a little faster.
You make my skin crawl with goose bumps.
I feel like I could talk to you forever.
I feel like I could tell you everything and more.
I hope you feel the same way.
I really really do.
I...I think I like you.

Oh, Woe is Me ((a pity story...))

How do you let go of something you've loved for so long, so long that it's become a piece of you, inseparable from your own soul. It seems an impossible, inconceivable fate to never have the strength to release this malignant love. I try to kill it, but even silver bullets don't wound it. It's grown too strong for it's own good. It's been too long that it's held on like a parasite, gripping my heart with it ugly, mangled hand. I yearn for the grip to weaken, for the hand to slip, for my heart to finally beat freely and fully again. Oh how tainted I feel. How wounded and incomplete my heart feels. It aches for the return of this love, for the unrequited-ness to disappear. Shouldn't time heal all? Please time, go a little faster. It's already been too many years.

I'm letting it pass me by.
I'm letting it fly over me.
The time is ticking
but I'm not listening.
One minute, one second
Gone.
One hour, one year
Wasted.
How could I let this happen?
How could you let this happen?
The end is only drawing closer.
The beginning is further away.
My time is the water going down your drain.
So uncared for, so misused.

The Wind

Drifting
The wind is slowly drifting
Over my body
My soul
and mind.
It tickles
and refreshes
to a point of pure satisfaction.
Oh I embrace you
But to no avail
Because you always slip away.

いろは

色は匂へど（いろはにおえど)
散りぬるを　（ちりぬるを）
我が世誰ぞ　（わがよたれぞ）
常ならむ　（つねならむ）
有為の奥山　（ういのおくやま）
今日越えて　（きょこえて）
浅き夢見じ　（あさきゆめみじ）
酔ひもせず　（えいもせず）

Even the blossoming flowers
will eventually scatter
who in our world
is unchanging?
The deep mountains of vanity --
we cross them today
and we shall not see superficial dreams
nor be deluded.

The Iroha (いろは) is a Japanese poem, probably written in the Heian era (AD 794–1179). Originally the poem was attributed to the founder of the Shingon Esoteric sect of Buddhism in Japan, Kūkai, but more modern research has found the date of composition to be later in the Heian Period. The first record of its existence dates from 1079. It is famous because it is a perfect pangram, containing each character of the Japanese syllabary exactly once. Because of this, it is also used as an ordering for the syllabary.

*from wikipedia*

No More

It seems that when it comes to love, I don't get what I want. I'm always the one begging, always the one on my knees. But I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be one who gives everything for nothing in return. Time and time again, I have ripped my heart out and served it on a silver platter to the one I love. But I won't do it anymore. No more cutting into my chest and opening the same wounds from before. No more giving what I do not receive. Because it's just too hard. Just too painful. And the pain serves no purpose for me. No purpose except to make me want to die. That's no good, now is it?

Again and Again

And the hurt has come again
Like a knife in the back
Unexpectedly piercing
I should have known
It wouldn't last
Cause nothing really lasts
Nothing is forever
Even when you tell yourself it is.
It's lies
Lies to make you feel better
Lies to make you content with bullshit
And lies to hide you.
And when you're found out
And when the mask is removed
You're left naked in the spotlight
Crying alone in front of a cold world
Who doesn't care.

My Life is a Line...a Rather Straight One

The humdrum of life is in my sigh.
I breathe in the monotonous beat and let it engulf me.
Should I wake up when it feels so good just to let sleep consume me?
I know I should.
It's a waste of life if I don't.
It's a blow against all those who did not have much life to live.
I'm going to try better.
I really am.
It's just so hard to rebel against what's always been your life.